The Kiss

No words
I look into your eyes
my hand caresses your cheek,
softly, slowly
feeling the roughness of day old stubble
closer
an embrace
my skin tingles
and with a playful
catlike flick of my tongue
I taste your sweet lips
a sensual kiss
a passionate kiss
that feels as if it lasts
for an eternity
which leaves us
breathless
and wanting more…

09-Aug-04 to FXF with love

Thought

There always seems to be someone better, bigger, richer, more experienced, more expposed, more liked, more successful, more normal, more technical, more savvy, more sexier, more healthier, much better looking, much more clever, more witty, more happy, more ordinary, more normal, more together, more content than me....

where do i actually fit in? Do I fit in?

Lightning Rod of Negativity

Well, it started out as an ok day I suppose. Then the kak hit the fan. We had our reviews at work . What a frikkin' palava!!!

They just know how to make me feel so special and wanted. My work, they said, was perfect. No question. It was my attitude and general negativity... I was even told that I'm a "lightning rod for negativity"... LOL... And I thought I was the overly dramatic one... Oi Vey!!!

Hmm... Ok, so lately I have been a sour miserable bitch. You try working for 3 and a half years in the same placce, doing crappy work, get no recognition, stuck in a dead end job with no room for growth, internal clients who don't know what they want, continously rescuing people who think we are there to serve them, people who think that because they can tell the difference between turquoise and green they are "designers", work with absolutely no direction from our CD, work like a dog for unobtainable deadlines (but however ALWAYS meet them) and the work you produce is NEVER USED, and then tell me you understand my attitude!!!

Ag, well... Suppose it's about time I tried to sort my life out and decided what I actually wanna do. Dunno what I'm gonna do though. Maybe more graphic design? Maybe makeup? Maybe go to London? Maybe book into Tara? Ag I dunno... This just adds to everything and makes me feel a helliva lot better! ARGHHHHHH!!!!

Went to my friend G's birthday braai last night! Was exhausted when I came home. Thank goodness he stays a few blocks away. Got a lot to do today. Gotta go and get my hair cut - starting to look like Bozo the clown. Gotta get an outfit for the Year End function - at this point I feel like being a total bitch and not going - even though I said I was. Gotta get Christmas pressies for my friends... (And yes, surprising as it is, I do have a few friends)

FX said he'd call me to get together sometime. Naturally he hasn't yet. Why can't he see what's right in front of him? I really know how to pick 'em. One disaster after another. (O how bloody dramatic!!) I've never fought with someone so much - but I love him in my special way... He has made a HUGE impact on my life... Strange how things work out... He is ammazing...

Gotta go now, enough of the self absorbed monologue...
Later,
J :)

Today was better.

Today was better.

Its full moon. I think my moods are dependant on the phases of the moon. Yeah right. I'll try and justify anything about me.

Sometimes I wonder if all this that I'm writing, here and on my contents of my soul website, will ever be read by anybody.

Am I wasting my time?
Writing down my emotions, my feelings and fears.
Writing down about the times I've been hurt and the times I've felt love...

I suppose in the long run or in the greater scheme of things, it actually doesn't make a difference. The people who matter to me have seen what is written in my heart.

This is kinda theraputic. At least I don't have to bug my friends. They also have their own problems and their own struggles. Even though they say that I can talk to them anytime about anything, I still feel like I'm bugging them. I'm too proud. I'm too stubborn. I'm trying too hard to be independant. Trying too hard to be strong. Just trying too damn hard!

I live todaywith whispered promises of tomorrow

and roaring echoes of regret

from yesterday

Ag, well. Time to go. TV is calling - CSI...

Chat later,

J :)

Against a brick wall

To add:

Kinda made peace with T, the guy whose face I wanted to smash into a brick wall and rub up and down like cheese in a grater.

Well, peace for now. He made the effort.

Then he ruined it by laughing and being all bloody happy and rubbing it in my face!
I wanna smack him. Smack him hard! I'm a terrible person...

Now he's pissing me off again. It hurts....

J :)

The beginning...

I always wanted a blog of my own.
I was considering getting one for Christmas... :) But now I have one. Yay!

Seeing as this is my first post, I suppose I am allowed to talk sh*t. Can I swear here??? Hmmm, this is like a diary...
"Dear Diary... Today I... blah blah bla" BWHAAAAA... O I crack myself up!!!

I realised today while going through one of my I-feel-sorry-for-myself-depressions, that I'm a cruel heartless bitch, and I always wanna get my way. If I don't I sulk... Sad but true. Sad... a 28 year old that has the emotional growth of a salted peanut.

I love being miserable. I make myself miserable. I make others miserable.
When my friends are happy, I hate them for it... (Well one "friend" in particular.) I wanna smash his face against a brick wall everytime I see him! Really. I'm not a violent person. Honestly!

People dissapoint me. People don't live up to my expectations. I think they're too high... (the expectations I mean...;)
I over analyse things. I think too much. I worry too much. I'm a moaner.... I think u get the idea already!

Ag, well. Such is life. I'm trying to be more +ve, but its so bloody draining!!!! :) LOL

I'm gonna try (not promising anything) and post something once a day or so. So I can read it one day and see why I'm a lonely old man of 95 living on his own with 5 cats to keep him company!!!

Oi! With my luck, I'll live until I'm 150 just to piss myself off!!! LOL...

Anyway, think I've said enough for now. Prolly chased off a whole bunch of people already! Jirre, I can waffle on and on about myself!!! O well, I am Leo after all... GRRRRRRR... meeouw!

Later.
J :)