Cup of Blood

A cup of wine
A cup of blood
white hot pain sears the flesh
eventually the pain dissapears
and all that is left
is lonliness and despair
the scars of the flesh heal
but the wounds in my heart
take much much longer


09-May-04

Back again

Hmmm... so much for writing everyday!

The 1 Dec was Aids Awarenwess Day. A lady came to speak to us at work. She was HIV +. 30 years old and HIV+.
U would'nt have said so. It made me scared. Very scared.
I know that I haven't always been the angel that everyone thinks I am. She spoke about the symptons - Continuous coughing, lethargy, etc. I'm scared now. I better get tested soon.

ARGHH... What if I'm +ve? What the fuck am I gonna do? Or am I just being my paranoid self? It could be a host of other things... Better get tested just in case. The last time was in Feb after my little incident with my NT Cutter. After Willie. So much pain. The scars have healed ok... Mentally I'm still recovering... I think I'm a hypercondriact... LOL

Today is our End of year function. FX is comming with me. I miss him. I know I shouldn't keep my hopes up. He prolly doesn't feel the same way I do. What am I doing, for fuck sakes!!! Ag, lemme just go with the flow. No expectations. No promises. Nothing. It's better that way. I sometimes wish that I could be someone else. That I could be FX. No real worries. Do what I want and don't think of the consequences. Put myself first all the time. I try. But its hard. I do love him. FX, I wish u would realise that!

T is gonna be there with his new boy. I still can't forgive him. Or is it me that I can't forgive? I really know how to fuck things up royally. I'm such a terrible person.... Ag, no I'm not. I'm fucking human that's all. C said to me that I always like to get my own way. And she's right. I do.

Trying to be more positive and dwell less on the negative. Doing ok I suppose. No expectations. No promises. No dissapointments.

I started smoking. Why? I don't know. It makes me light headed. It makes me sickish. Why do I do it? I dunno... We'll see how long it lasts...

Got a lot to do today. Xmas shopping for my friends. I spend too much money... O well. Thank goodness we get paid on the 15 Dec... Can't believe that MP stole so much from the company. Why did he do it? His poor kids! What an idiot!!! He should've known they would find him...

Anyway, lemme go and get ready for the day. Have a good one all...
Later
J :)

Yawn

I am exhausted.

I'll write some more soon(ish)

I just wanna sleep... :)